A Grove of Ashes and Aspens

Now Playing: Herdchant by Elvenking

Within the realm of what is considered socially standard, we are assigned a gender based on an observation of (and, in the case of some intersex children, surgery on) our external gonads, and from that, we are expected to fall in love and want to have sex with exactly one person of the opposite assigned gender and be with them for the rest of our lives. However, this expectation, like that of basically everyone that I would be an engineer like my parents, is bullshit. Just as there are people who have a gender identity that does not align with the one they were assigned at birth or experience sexual and/or romantic attraction to their own gender (in addition to or instead of the opposite) or not at all, there are some who are capable of wanting multiple partners at the same time. (And no, not in a cheating sense.)

Since this is a discussion surrounding the struggles that can come with the social stigma surrounding polyamory, I want to actually be specific on what such stigmas include. It’s things like not being allowed to legally marry multiple people, trouble getting more than two parents on a child’s birth certificate in the case of a closed polycule (where the people involved are a polycule but they don’t date anyone outside that) having a kid together, having people assume that you’re cheating on your partner, risking backlash from family for not being “normal”, and so on. Now, I am very lucky in that I don’t have to worry about a lot of this directly, but one person’s luck does not reality make. So let’s break it down a bit.

Now, with legal marriage the way it is, it does have roots in Christianity considering it “a lifelong, exclusive union between one man and one woman who freely consented to join their lives for procreation and mutual comfort” (The Canadian Encyclopedia), and I can understand the argument of some people wanting to change the law to be able to take advantage of people. However, polygamous marriage being illegal hasn’t stopped people from taking advantage of their partners. (Looking at you, Sister Wives.) Besides, individual polycules can work together with each other to figure out what works best for them. This is more of a minor annoyance rather than anything else, so I don’t really care that much.

As far as putting more than two parents on birth certificates, there have been cases where progress has been made. For a couple examples from here in Canada, there was a family in Newfoundland and Labrador who got all three parents on their child’s birth certificate in 2018 (Jonny Hodder, CBC) and a ruling in B.C. family courts in 2021 that another woman in a polyamorous relationship could be added as a second mother on her child’s birth certificate, as she and her partners are equally the child’s parents (Zena Olijnyk, Canadian Lawyer Mag). So, there is a lot of progress being made on this front, and I am not worried about this being more of an option.

The main one many polyamorous people have to deal with is other people having severe misconceptions, like thinking it’s like Sister Wives or that it’s cheating, despite the requirement for consent and being able to work through things together with one’s partners. These are concerns that a lot of us deal with at one point or another, whether from friends, family, or just general society. (Though, given the way society is shifting, that one is becoming much less of an issue.) It’s a tiring position to be in, having to hide not only a part of who you are, but an entire relationship and part of one’s life. Having to hide a relationship from people you consider to be friends or family isn’t fun.

There isn’t an easy answer to this. The best that most of us can hope for is not having to worry about our families reacting negatively, which is becoming more common as polyamory becomes a more socially accepted way of life. I look forward to seeing more good in the world on that front, especially with my own romantic relationships.