A Grove of Ashes and Aspens

Now Playing: Through Wolf’s Eyes by Elvenking

So I’m pretty openly queer. I make no secret of the fact that gender is weird, a fact that can make navigating the world really complicated. But the thing is, it also makes navigating queer spaces really complicated. Hear me out for a minute.

Also, as a note here, I’m including metal bars and punk/alt spaces and the like in the category of “queer friendly spaces” because of how accepting these subcultures tend to be. More on that later.

So as a queer person, a lot of places that aren’t explicitly queer spaces or at least queer friendly ( are complicated because I have to decide if my being non-binary is worth mentioning to a bunch of cis straight people who might not understand what that means. That’s something a lot of queer people face, beyond just trans and non-binary people. Where queer spaces get complicated is the masculine presentation. If I’m wanting to be in a queer space, I’m risking not being believed. I’m risking people looking at me and seeing a man anyway, despite anything I may say to the contrary.

Now, note that’s how I feel about actively queer spaces. Many spaces that list themselves as “queer friendly” rather than actively being a queer space tend to be a bit better, even if some of those still run into the same problem of not really knowing if I should come out for a variety of reasons. However, most metal spaces and other alt/goth spaces and people I interact with tend to be way better.

In my experience, many metal spaces especially won’t actively list themselves as being queer friendly or anything, just advertising themselves as a metal space. If you’re wondering how that would make me feel even remotely comfortable being openly non-binary while presenting masculine, it’s quite simple. Most metalheads are way nicer than we look. (Note: yes, there are shitty metalheads. That’s bound to happen. Yes, some metalheads are neo-Nazis. The rest of us want to bash their skulls in. Rant for another time.) I’ve had a far easier time openly having a weird gender and engaging in some gender fuckery in the metal scene than I’ve had pretty much anywhere else.

But this leads to a broader conversation that I feel doesn’t get the attention it deserves. In queer spaces, which are supposed to be accepting, what is the line between being seen as who you are, regardless of presentation, and being seen as a faker who’s appropriating the identity?

I know this is very much a first world problem and other people have it worse elsewhere. (I’ve seen the state of the world and Canada’s neighbours to the south.) But other people having worse problems doesn’t mean we can’t call out shit like this. It’s a minor problem, but it is still worth talking about, because people like me don’t get to have many places where we feel comfortable being open about our identities. I’m also aware that I have it pretty good, especially considering my presentation is just ambiguous enough that I regularly get people being confused about my gender and can pass as non-binary pretty easily. But I’m still masculine presenting enough that I face these same concerns.

Idk, I’m just annoyed about people being mad at masculine presentations, especially in queer spaces. The entire point is supposed to be us being who we are, and yet there’s so much infighting. We can and should be doing so much better.